¡No pienses en elefantes!

En la primera entrada de mi blog expliqué por qué elegí "hemicraneal" como parte del nombre del blog. "Hemicraneal" se refiere a un dolor de cabeza constante que no se calma con ningún analgésico y lo elegí como nombre porque para mí las ideas que entran a mi mente se quedan de manera constante y no hay pastilla, distracción o malojillo que las calme.

Pero es que ¿cómo se deshace uno de una idea?... El primer problema al evitar una idea es que al pensar en evitarla, ya tienes esa idea en la mente. A esto se refiere el personaje de Joseph Gordon-Levitt al pedirle a Ken Watanabe que no piense en elefantes.

Arthur: Okay, this is me, planting an idea in your mind. I say: don't think about elephants. What are you thinking about?

Saito: Elephants?

Lo lamento, tal vez parezca obsesivo-compulsivo pero no puedo dejar de pensar. Soy una persona que siempre está pensando en planes. Siempre estoy uniendo puntos y atando cabos en mi mente (and I'm f*cking good at it). Es por eso que apenas una idea me cruza la cabeza, no hay manera de sacarla. Para mi mente, por muy distraída que esté, por mucha televisión y cerveza que estén involucradas, no hay descanso... Apenas una idea entra en la mente, ésta toma forma y consistencia... Después de esto, no hay manera de erradicarla. Sólo puedes intentar "distraerte". Pañitos de agua fría para calmar la fiebre pero ningún antibiótico para tratar la infección. 

Hasta mediados de este año, siempre lo consideré una muy buena cualidad. El hecho de que mi mente siempre esté en constante trabajo, que a pesar de mi mala memoria aquel recuerdo que quede en mi mente lo recordaré con lujo de detalles. Siempre lo consideré algo bueno... Pero ya no. Me di cuenta de que es una tortura. Me di cuenta de que hay cosas sobre las cuales uno no quiere pensar, hay detalles a los que uno no quiere prestarle atención, hay cosas que uno no quiere imaginar con lujo de detalles... Esta "cualidad" la he terminado considerando más un demonio que un ángel. También me di cuenta de que tal vez siempre ha sido así. Que nunca fue un ángel. Que siempre fue un demonio.

Me di cuenta de que siempre fue así... y que sólo había algo (alguien) capaz de bailar con mis ángeles de la misma manera tan agraciada como lograba calmar mis demonios. Ahora, sin esa gracia ¿cómo no pensar en elefantes?

Definitely Maybe

It’s a great headache, stomachache, “soulache” not being able to stay cool, to let something(one) go, and believe me, as hot headed as I am, I have been someone who tries to stay cool when feelings are involved. So, yeah, yeah… I know, I know… I have heard these phrases at least as many times as I have told them: “The best thing to happen is what happened”, “Attachment is not healthy”, etc… However, that’s easier said than done.

It doesn’t matter how many times I repeat myself those phrases, it doesn’t matter how many times I try to relax and let things flow… When deep in your heart you feel something is wrong, then it is wrong. And in this case, to me, what I feel is wrong is to let go.

I make plans. As improvised as people think I am, I always make plans and prepare myself for at least 3 different outcomes. I try hard to think at least two steps forward before setting something in motion. Therefore, I made plans. I made plans for everything to be perfect. I wanted the perfect place, the perfect moment, the perfect words. None of that worked. Murphy, as usual, interfered and I never got to tell the perfect words in the perfect moment and place I had planned. But despite that… I did tell those perfect words. Maybe much later and definitely not the way we had expected but still, they were perfect.

So, I made plans; short-term plans and long-term plans. Plans that I could not carry out because of Murphy. And the worst is that later I learned that you had no idea about any of those plans. That you thought that I was just a relaxed guy with no plans. But au contraire, mademoiselle, I DID have plans for you, me… both.

But something that I have learned is that, as much as we want some things to be perfect, as much as we believe that we need flawless plans for life to work, we actually do not need them. As much as we believe that those plans were necessary, they actually are not. What is important is not the plan… that is just a mean. That is the reason we can talk about “backup plans” and “plan B, C and D”, what truly is important is the goal. For that, there is no back up.  

So, without any plans or agenda (I’ve lost track of them all) I still have my goal set. That’s how I know deep in my heart that letting go is not what I am meant to do. I will still make 3 different plans and prepare myself for 3 different outcomes, because that is just who I am, but I won’t let that prevent me from achieving my goal, from not looking at the big picture.

Right now, what I need for an answer is not a “forever” (though that’d be awesome), not even a “yes”. Right now, I would be extremely happy and satisfied with a simple “definitely maybe”. That would tell me that my goal is somehow reachable. A “definitely maybe” and I’ll work my way up there. Promised.

P.S: No matter how many plans go down the toilette, I do know what I need to be happy...